There’s a very specific kind of midlife fog.

You’re juggling kids’ sport, aging parents, work, life admin that never ends… and somehow your life has become a series of obligations you’re highly competent at managing. Everything looks “fine” from the outside but inside? It’s sooo bloody… beige.

The slow fade into a pool of beige.

If like most, you will assimilate in that the spark didn’t disappear overnight it was just a slow creep of mundaneness. With that creep you slowly move away from your very essence and every now and then, it hits you sideways - that life feels colourless and aggressively underwhelming.

Values Are Functional

Although “values” are being thrown around as a buzzword (in the same basket as protein, mindfulness, breathwork etc etc) they’re a actually a core decision-making system.

In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), values are your chosen direction, they guide behaviour, especially when motivation is nowhere to be found (Hayes et al., 2006).

And here’s the science bit that matters…motivation follows action not the other way around (dopamine research, Schultz; Huberman Lab).So if you feel flat or stuck its often got nothing to do with your approach to exercise and the fuel you place in your mouth. It’s that your daily life doesn’t reflect what actually matters to you.

The Values We Ignore Until We Can't

Not the obvious ones like family or honesty.

The quieter ones:

• Time autonomy

• Being present

• Adventure

• Challenge / Growth

• Creative expression

• Freedom

• Contribution

• Simplicity

• Recognition

• Restoration

Vales don’t sit nearly on a list, they show up in our behviours and reactions. So for exampleloving music is about an inner core value to you value connection, emotion, memory, shared experience. The chance to travel a lot is centred around our values for freedom, expansion, novelty, spontaneity, shared experience. Maybe you get irritated with last minute changes and that sits around certainty, stability and respect for time. Or you feel annoyed when no one notices what you contribute which can be around recognition, appreciation, being valued and validated or when you keep busy but feel oddly empty which sits around productivity is replacing purpose.

Stay out of alignment long enough and life becomes exhausting, quietly resentful and stuck in a low-level dissatisfaction you can’t quite name.

Ways to Identify Your Values (Ask Yourself This)

Forget picking words off a Pinterest list. Start here by answering these honestly, quickly and without overthinking.

1. What activities or moments give me genuine joy or fulfilment?
This is your biggest clue. What lights you up and what’s underneath it?
Is it connection? Creativity? Service? Freedom? Nature?

2. When do I feel most proud of myself?
Look at moments you respected yourself. That often reveals values like integrity, perseverance, courage or generosity.

3. What issues trigger a strong emotional reaction in me?
What makes you angry, frustrated or deeply passionate? That’s usually a value you want to protect such as fairness, compassion, justice, honesty.

4. If I had unlimited resources, how would I spend my time?
This strips away money, logistics, expectations. What remains is very close to your core values how you want to live, not how you’ve been told to.

5. How do I want to be remembered by the people I love?
Not your CV. But your legacy. What do you wish for to be spoken about in your eulogy??
What qualities matter? Loyalty? Kindness? Strength? Presence?

Once you’ve answered those questions, pull out six core values. Not 12. Not 20. Six.

Use your behaviours as clues to what you’re drawn to, what frustrates you, what lights you up and this will help you to identify the value underneath.

Then group similar ones:

• Adventure / outdoors / travel - Freedom / Expansion

• Creativity / ideas / building - Expression

• Peace / quiet / slow - Spaciousness / Balance / Serenity

Sanity check each one. Can I act on this daily even when I don’t feel like it?

If it’s a feeling, refine it into a direction.

Then ask “If I actually lived by these six daily, what would change?” ...because this is where it shifts….insight leads to small actions.

Values Represent Boundaries

Boundaries stop feeling hard when they’re anchored in values.

If you value:

• Time → you stop saying yes to everything

• Peace / Calm → you reduce exposure to draining people or situations

• Presence → you put the phone down

• Health → your choices start to shift naturally

And suddenly you are working in alignment with your inner compass.

It’s about consistency with who you actually are. You don’t need to start over. You simply need to understand your compass.

Because when your decisions start coming from your values not people pleasing, exhaustion, not your obligations, not your autopilot then you don’t just get out of the funk… You start recognising yourself again, life feels calmer, clearer and like you’re finally on your own side. This clarity simplifies decision-making and reduces feelings of overwhelm and discontent.